Running

Change is constant.  In everything we do in life, change is always there to throw a curve ball.  As I finish up with week three of my marathon training plan, closing with a 10 mile run this weekend (down two miles from last weekend), I finally feel like I have adjusted to one of the biggest changes of our lives - our move to Colorado.  A mile and some change above sea level, I remember our first run here vividly - a torturous 5 mile, incredible hilly run.  Huffing, puffing, and cursing along the way, my husband and I pushed our kids in the double, alternating on pushing from mile to mile - these hills here had nothing on the Holcomb Blvd "hills" we were used to.....in a few short words, the run was a hot mess.  I was devastated.  Going from comfortably running a reasonable amount of mileage to barely making it a mile before I wanted to kill myself was quite the curve ball.  After two months of painfully slow runs, struggling to push the kids in the double, recovering from a minor outpatient surgery, my confidence in my running ability has slowly started to return.  It can be so hard when you get in a running rut - the last thing that anyone wants to do is get out there and run, especially when you don't feel like it, or feel like you totally suck at it.  Let's face it, who wants to do something you suck at?  For me, I have to push myself through those rough patches in order to regain that confidence back, to stay consistent.  Fast forward three months later, I finally feel like I am adjusting to running in this altitude and the scenery and the numerous trails around here are to DIE for.

My MCM training plan has me running five days a week, two off days, longer mileage on the weekends.  I, like many of my friends training to run this event, find the rest days excruciating, especially in the early weeks of low mileage runs.  Running for many of us is like a drug - something we have to do.  I know I feel so much better, so much more relaxed and at ease if I get a run in.  Because I am me, I do an "active recovery" workout on my rest days - more often than not, I find myself swimming on my off days.  I find that an hour long swim has me swimming roughly 1850 meters - often I stick a pool buoy between my legs and just swim arms, and this really gives my legs the break they so desperately need.  So, if anyone is searching for something else to throw in the mix, swimming is an excellent low impact alternative to give the stems a break!

While I am getting used to running up here, I still find it takes me at least 2 or 3 miles for my legs to shake that heavy feeling.  Every time I set out to long run, toward the beginning of my run, my legs feel like bricks - so heavy - but after I get over those first few miles, I start feeling that "runner's euphoria" and feel really good.  My body eventually goes on auto pilot until I know I am only a mile out, then, pretty much automatically, I speed up, anxious to be done with the run.   A lot of times (and I have heard my husband say this multiple times), women particularly don't fully open their hips while running - next time you're out, scope out some female runners and see - I found that in auto pilot, I slip into the mode where my steps are swifter but my gait is shorter.  On my easy shorter runs, I really try to focus on my  legs, my stride, and open my hips while I run.

So now, my focus is getting the mileage I need during the week, widening my stride, and focusing on consistency on my long runs.  In no way or shape am I a seasoned runner or a veteran runner, or anything amazing in the field of running - I just found something I enjoyed, that my children enjoyed, that provided me with a sense of inner peace - and I never would have come to find that this running thing has become a passion.  As much as my life as a military spouse has been less than happy, less than peaceful, finding Stroller Warriors and seeing how the women in this group embrace and support one another has been a highlight of this crazy life many of us endure.

As I continue on with my MCM training, I am beyond anxious to get out there and run it, to see how hard I can push myself, how much my training has paid off, but even more so, I am excited to return to the East Coast, to see my family, and to see and run alongside my girls.  And the icing on the cake will be being able to take Leo with me - for anyone that knows Leo, he LOVES airplanes and is beyond excited to ride on a jumbo jet!

Happy running to all, and to all a good night!

Back to Normal???

What is normal?  How do you define normal - is it what happens in the day to day of your own life?  What's comfortable to you?  I guess for me, normal is being anxious, uncomfortable, on edge, yet expecting all of that at the same time, and being OK with it.  Military life has a way of doing that to you....not to be confused with pessimistic, but rather expecting the worst will happen at any given moment and surprised when things go better than planned.  Take my recent visit to the local city pool with the kids.  Any  mom will tell you that their biggest fear is having a kid take a poop in a swim diaper....a reusable swim diaper, at that.

On this particular day, my wild little girl did her business a few times in the morning, so silly me, I thought we were in the clear for a non-poop pool day.  After being there for about two and a half hours, I was tired, feeling the sun, and ready to go.  Chasing after two kids in an extremely crowded pool is exhausting solo.  Laney is playing with a water feature similar to a hose and I get "the whiff" - someone's kid took a poop, but not mine....she pooped three times already today.  WRONG.  It was totally my kid.  As Leo and all the unsuspecting kids play in the poop water run off surrounding them (because let's face it, swim diapers keep the "mass" in, until it completely disintegrates, that is) I am feverishly trying to get her down and make a swift dash to our stuff and to the locker room.  Welp, I failed....Laney runs out of the pool, a diarrhea mess just streaming down her leg - and all I could do was run after her, hold my bikini top on, and scream at Leo "Get out of the pool, it's time to go...." - It was a hellacious, disgusting mess of a day - a shitty day, pun intended - but I can't say that I didn't expect something like that to occur....simply put, just a "normal" day because it WOULD just so happen that something like that happens when I take the kids to the pool by myself.

My sweet beauty Laney!

Leo before gymnastics camp.

                                               




































It has been about three months since our cross country road trip and relocation to Colorado.  The RV trip is still burned into our brains.....10 to 14 hour driving days in the confines of an RV (we were in that thing 24 hours a day for almost 5 complete days),  with two children and a dog, and my husband who just had to concentrate on driving.  I wanted to scream by the time we got here, but alas, we arrived, ourselves, the dog, the RV intact.  Now Dave and I completely understand why RVing is done by parents of MUCH older children and retired folks.  Still, we remain thankful to my dad and step mom that we got the opportunity to see the landscape of our country.

Getting settled here was and has been an adjustment.  Our image of our big move to Colorado and life here was full of plenty of time together, backpacking, white water rafting, blah...b l a h...b  l  a  h...- in actuality, Dave has been gone half the time we've been here and I feel like I have been dumped in the middle of nowhere, thousands of miles from family and familiarity and sanity.  Don't get me wrong, we LOVE it here....but, it's weird.  Adjustment is an understatement, but I am sure that this is one of those things all military wives experiencing when venturing off to the unknown.  Leo is back in gymnastics (which he loves) and Laney took classes for a month, but she is just too wild and hard headed to follow directions at this point (Mama's girl).  We have signed him up for school for the fall, swim lessons have been taken and passed already, we've ventured into Denver a couple times, etc etc.  Life has been busy, but that's normal for us.  I decided a few weeks ago to chop all my hair off - and I mean all of it off.  Donated a total of 84 inches to Locks of Love (they ponied my hair into 5 pony tails and chopped them all off!).  After discovering an umbilical hernia, I had it repaired and was up and running a week later.  I find myself lost a bit more lately than usual just being in a strange place, no friends - I miss my girls and my tight knit community.....all of the girls I knew, we could bitch and moan about (this) LIFE and we would just "get" one another.  I miss that.  (But on a plus, our new neighbors are AMAZING - they are just great people, that do good things, they're just good people.  Kevin mowed the lawn for me the other day because he knew Dave was out of town and our lawn mower was in the shop and they've had the kids and I over quite a few times for cookouts!)  The kids and I have been exploring a lot on our own, which has  been cool.  They are some adventurous kids!  So while I felt like I was in the middle of drowning in Dave's life and absence and raising my children, I decided to do something FOR ME.    So, after a lot of deliberation, I decided to run the Marine Corps Marathon again.  (I know - most women want to go to the spa, or get a mani/pedi and a massage -  I choose to run a marathon again, after swearing I would never run one again ever....).  

Dave and I, before I cut my hair off - enjoying vino on our back deck, watching the sun set.

Running in Colorado is NO JOKE.  The hills are EVERYWHERE and the thin air made it hard to run at the same pace as I did in Camp Lejeune.  Finally feeling adjusted to the altitude, I took the plunge - but mostly because I have a running buddy here - ironically, our move to Colorado found us in the same city as one of Dave's instructors who is married to a woman who runs - and when I say"runs" I mean she sprints - I think she is shooting for a sub 3:30 marathon.......basically, I might die if I try to run under that, but I think that training with her will only improve me as a runner.  So far I have just finished my second week of marathon training.  I find myself wanting to run while pushing my children and all 110 pounds that is the double stroller less and less.  I LOATHE running and pushing that thing - I am so slow, get winded immediately, and HATE it.  It makes me angry.  So, making a few adjustments to my plan, I will push both of them no longer than 4 miles, and I will push one of them no more than 6 miles.  Everything else I will integrate treadmill running and solo/buddy runs, but NO KIDS (unless Dave is running with and pushes them the whole way).  The athletic community here is RIDICULOUS - there are always people running, even more people biking.  Just the other day before a 5 miler with the kids, I asked a colorful gentlemen (Enriqo from Italy) which way I should run - I guess I didn't understand, because his Italian accent was so thick, but I ran the wrong way- not the wrong way technically, but the hilly, rattlesnake infested path.  It was a NIGHTMARE but when I came back to my car with my tail between my legs at the AWFUL time I had just run, a note and a Competitor Magazine was sticking out of my window, from my buddy Enriqo.  The runners and cyclists here are supportive of one another, which is awesome.  If you are looking for an outdoorsy community, come to Colorado.  

A dirt road I frequently run with the kids on.  BEWARE:  mountains and hills dead ahead!

So now I find myself back into the swing of normal life - Dave in and out, me and the kids doing our own stuff, having fun on the weekends as a family, and LOTS OF RUNNING.  I have concluded that normal days are erratic yet semi-scheduled and flowing.  Most of the time, things go the way that you've planned them to go wrong, but you planned it, so it works out.  I am lucky to have met a running buddy, to have at least one good neighbor here, that we have a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and that we love each other.  It is such a challenge to be a stay at home mom, let alone a stay at home mom in a military life, where the comings and goings of our spouses often leave holes in our hearts that go unnoticed.  We often find ourselves lost in this world, losing ourselves, forgetting what we love.  I felt myself slipping for a split second from what I love and what I need, not only as a mom and wife, but as an individual - only to discover that it was running.  I look forward to future runs and discovering more about me through the power of the pavement.


Happy running - see ya in three months!

Forward Motion

Home safe and sound.  It was 10pm, cold, rainy, my children had both not napped, I had re-done my hair and makeup and outfit a million times - we came to wait in the rain, armed with a photographer and anxiety.  The kids and I were ready.  Even though the weather was atrocious, it worked - we parked ourselves under a less than sturdy tent, my hands clutching my children, cell phone, and diaper bag - slowly but surely, the Marines trickled in, eyes scanning the masses for their families.  I saw him walking up, and it immediately felt like a weight had been lifted - I crouched next to Leo and said "Look Leo, there's your Daddy...."  - it was like something out of a movie, without fail, the two of them, Leo and Dave, ran up to one another and he just sobbed.  I think I was most excited about seeing Dave again for our little boy.  His Daddy is his world.  They are two peas in a pod. 

Nothing but happy tears for this kid.  Laney bug had no clue - she's so little.  She knew her Daddy, but took some time to warm up to him.  Understandable.

In the days after my husband came home, I ran into quite a few girlfriends.  They all asked "How's it feel now that your hubby is home?".  I think most women would say that they were overjoyed, they were so happy.  And I am.  I think of countless women who don't get the opportunity to welcome back their husband from war....I know some of these women.  All the kids that don't have their Daddy.  I think of the guys who are still over there, returning home soon.  Bitter sweet.  My response to my girlfriends was honest....."It's good.  A little weird, but good.".  My friends looked at me like I was CRAZY!  Who says that?!  It made me feel guilty to say that.  I am happy he is home, don't get me wrong, but it's weird sometimes. 

I have found that not many people reflect on the awkwardness and readjustment that happens when someone returns home from war.  Simple things, like driving or talking to a female, that they aren't used to.  As truly amazing as it is to have him home, it takes work to get back into a good groove.   It's sort of surreal that Dave is home, but it's almost like he never left.  It's weird.  But at the same time, we have to relearn each other - what sets us off, how to talk to one another.  Months of nearly non-existent communication makes these simple, everyday things to the average person, really hard for people like us.  This deployment, Dave and I each had our own personal journeys.  Me especially.  As independent and as well as I do operate when he is gone, I really grew into my own this go around.  And now, I have to tame that beast a bit.  But, at the same time, our relationship grew by leaps and bounds this deployment, so I find that things that would generally have pissed me off a year ago, don't really bother me a whole lot.  Out of all of this, we have learned to respect one another a lot more and appreciate each other a lot more.  I think out of all of this, we have really understood that while we are a tight family unit, that he and I are one, we also maintain that we have separate lives, which is okay.  I actually enjoy  having some alone time now, as opposed to a year ago, I felt like I needed to be around him 24/7.  And maybe part of that is knowing that he won't have to deploy again in 11 months, that we have so much time with one another in our future - now we can just live for NOW rather than living for the future, living for the "we need to do this now because you won't be here next year". 

A week has passed since he returned home; I'd be lying if I said the adjustment and reintegration into life at home was easy.  Nothing in this life is easy.  We had our moments, but were able to work through them, pinpoint the issue, and move forward.  We are happier than we have ever been.  We are more connected than we have ever been.  My kids are so happy that their Daddy is home. 



So ask me now:  "Are you happy that your hubby is home?  How does it feel to finally have him back?" - It feels amazing and wonderful.  I am so happy that he's home safe and sound, but I pray for all of those who haven't come back home yet and who won't come home.  It's weird to look at him next to me in bed, knowing that I dreamt about the day he would come home again to me for so long.  There are days that I feel like I know him better than he knows himself, and vice versa, and there are days when I feel like I don't understand him at all.  It's part of it.  I do know, however, that we are happier and more in love than we have ever been; that this time apart has given us a greater appreciation and a greater understanding of one another as individuals than we ever had before.  So now, we will just:  Keep.  Moving.  Forward. and see how our big, upcoming move to Colorado pans out!  We have so much to look forward to!

Turning the Page

Communication is a glorious thing.  The inventors of SKYPE deserve some sort of medal.  Here's Laney-bug skyping with her Daddy:

When Dave left, Laney was 11 months old, crawling, not talking.  But still, now at almost 17 months, she knows her Daddy.  Leo, perhaps, is basically the same - taller and uses bigger words, thinks he knows everything.  Either way, seeing him is good practice for the real deal.  It is very funny to watch Dave watch Leo, Laney and I on skype.  Laney is at the age where she's into everything, moreso than Leo ever was.  I think the second children always catch on faster because they have an older sibling to copy - and Laney, she's such a goof, she's a wild thing.  Leo is a little more reserved, content playing the ipod and making puzzles and playing with his firetrucks....all 8 million of them.  Today, Dave says to me "Wow, it's a circus over there...." and I thought, "Really, it's just typical Laney and Leo play time".  I cannot wait to see how he is wih the kids, what he thinks when he watches the two of them.

Here we are at the end of our deployment....I can see the light.  He will be home soon.  As hard as this deployment has been, it has also been a huge eye-opener for me and enabled me to do some soul searching on myself.

When Dave left back in July, I thought to myself "How the HELL am I going to do this alone?" - two very active, very smart kids who both require and deserve a great deal of attention without Dave home to help and while trying to finish school.  How am I going to keep my sanity?  Will my kids survive without getting the same attention from me and my  husband like they did before?

Well.....we survived.  During this deployment, I ran two half marathons and a full marathon, with a few 8ks and 5ks sprinkled in there.  I battened down the hatches when the hurricane blew through in August, downing trees in our neck of the woods, along with knocking out power for two days; I spackled and painted around our house; and most importantly, I am now TWO classes away from graduating with my Bachelor's in criminal justice.....only 8 years since I initially began college at a traditional four year institution - I never thought I would go back to school and graduate, but I am so proud of myself for getting back on the horse.  It definitely hasn't been easy.....Leo began preschool, Laney is walking (running) and talking.  Most of all, Dave and I grew leaps and bounds in our marriage over the past several months.  We're the type with very open lines of communication - we tell each other how it is and work from there.  We're head thinkers, rather than emotional thinkers - for the most part.  I think we grew to understand one another more, accept things for how they are, and we have been able to realize without much shame, when one of us goofs up and are then, better able to say sorry.  And now, we are closer than ever.

BUT, I didn't do all of this alone...I couldn't have done all of this alone.  Our family has sacrificed so much to help us - time off work to come down here and just BE here for a weekend; watched the kids for me while I ran races or did training runs; got us through the holidays and ALL of our stuff back afterward; just given my kids that extra bit of attention that I know they miss from only having one parent at home; care packages to Dave.....My running club has supported me through all of my training and races and all of the ups and downs a deployment can bring to one tired Momma; my neighbors - my one neighbor's husband was home for R & R for two weeks when the hurricane came through, and he spent the day after cleaning up my yard, hooking my fridge up to a generator, and fed me and the kids.  His wife has watched the dog, the house, and my mail for me on countless occasions and their children have been good friends to Leo.  Across the street, my other neighbors have been just as wonderful, swapping the kids so she and I both have gym time, alone time, sanity time.  I am sure there are countless other things I could say to explain how everyone in my life has helped me achieve so much this deployment. 

I figured out WHO I am and what I want out of life.  Before this, I lived with my world revolving around Dave and our kids - I struggled with finding my place in his world and truth be told, I was unhappy.  I have never been more comfortable with the person that I am today.   I love school and love to learn.  I hated running before, but now it's such a great stress outlet for me, I cannot imagine NOT running.  I feel like I have found myself and share a life WITH Dave, as opposed to living in his world.  For anyone really, especially military spouses, it is SO important to find your own way, your own life outside of your husband's - because when and if they do leave and you're left behind, it can be very lonely and very depressing.  It's lonely and depressing as it is, which is why women in my situation need to get out there and have a life too, otherwise, the harshness of this life will eat you alive - it can be very maddening being alone for extended periods of time, especially with children.  And even from afar, my husband has done nothing but encourage and support me through everything - my insane school schedule, making new friends, running, impromptu Groupon-buying Laser hair removal (it was a really good deal, :) ), everything I have done, he has been completely supportive.  Now looking back, I think "How the HELL did I do all that?" - and truth be told, it all seems like a blur.  But, the medals hang on my treadmill, my kids are happy, we are all OK.  My husband says that I am his hero, but he is mine.  He's enabled me to do all of this, with the support of our family and friends. 

Soon we will welcome Dave back home and get on with our lives.  What's next for us - we move to COLORADO in the summer.  It's a scary and exciting though - exciting because I have heard nothing but great things about the area, scary to be so far away from our family, who has been my backbone throughout this deployment.  While where we will go is certain, it makes me nervous to think about a cross country drive, finding a home, etc.  But, for the first time, my husband will be here with me to help me make these decisions.  So, now, the kids and I wait for him to be home and our entire family is so thankful to be immersed in such a great support system that has made this deployment so much easier on all of us.  What am I looking forward to most when Dave does finally get back????  The honeymoon phase that I hope lasts well into 2012!  Cheers!