Countdowns....

As a mom, military wife, student, and marathon trainer, I count down a lot.  Everything. 

My first 26.2 - 6 days til go-time.  Over the last week or so, I've been feeling lazy, tired, not excited about it, not excited about running.  Period.  After a few good runs this week, three of which with my awesome run club, I feel like I've got "it" back....my mo-jo.  I feel strong again and confident again.  The battle was purely mental, even though my 17, 20, and 16 mile training runs still feel like a dream.  Did I really do that....RUN that far??!!

My final long-ish training run was today.  I originally wanted to go 8-9 miles, but opted for a little over 7, after all, I was pushing my kids in the double stroller.  Many of us that do these long runs often push our kids, for 10 + miles....and it sucks.  And it's hard.  But, it's good training - without the kids, I feel like I am flying.

I ended up running 7.27 miles in 1:01 making my average pace around an 8:23.  Hard but gives me hope for a decent pace for the marathon.  I'd be completely lying if I didn't say I was nervous about running a marathon....it's a freaking marathon....but, I know I will finish.  I think my biggest issue is letting people down - all my running buddies that have such faith in me, that think I can finish it in a certain time.....I don't want to let them down!  I am sure I will get sucked in to the race-day hype and pick a "rabbit" to chase.  So:  my goal - 3:40 - 3:45  If I finish faster, awesome.  If I don't finish in that time, oh well.  It will give me something to work up to next marathon.  I do wish that Dave was here though.  I know he's with me, even though he's physically not here - he knows when the marathon is, all the work I have put in, still, I know seeing all these guys and their wives, all these Marines and service members is going to be bitter sweet.  But, it is what it is. 

So now, the countdown is on.  SIX days til race day.  THREE days before our travels up north....slow and steady, slow and steady, I think I can, I think I can. 
In addition to counting down days and training runs until upcoming races, we count down lots of other things.  Like, sometimes, I count down hours til bedtime.  Actually most days I do that.  Especially recently....my three year old, such a mess.  Between being sick, always wanting chocolate milk and chips, being overly tired every second of every day, missing his daddy, and just being three....he is WEARING ME DOWN.  Common colds hit Leo like a Mack Truck.....just suckiness all around.

 Our big countdown....HOMECOMING!!! It started the second he left, let's be honest..  Instead of counting down days, I count down how many times I have to take out the trash.....which happens once a week.  A little kooky, yes, probably.  Maybe this takes the sting away from seeing numbers in the hundreds via counting down days.  Plus, I hate taking out the trash.  Worked in with this, we count down days until the next big events, like traveling for Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years - makes the time seem like it's going by faster than it really is, but to be honest, time does feel like it's flying.  I've never been the type to wish time away, especially when my kids are at these ages (one and three) and with our lives always been in such a constant state of change, but deployments are different.  While it sucks to not have Dave with us through Thanksgiving and Christmas, it will also keep us busy. Three more road trips home and then we're done. One trip without the dog....etc etc.  I think most women and men in my situation would give anything for a time machine - or a magic carpet for that matter, both to bring our hubby's home or to avoid car trips that can be rather nightmarish. 

Either way, counting down or not, the clock is ticking.  The leaves are changing colors, trees are thinning out - just yet more indications fall is kind of here, winter is coming, and so is Dave.  I never thought I would ever run a marathon, hell, I never thought I would run a half marathon.  I thought I'd always be a gym rat, in pursuit of the ideal body (whatever the hell that is)....but now, I crave competition....I want to be fast, and I want to be healthy, leading by example for my kids.   Leo said after one of our running club runs as he hopped out of the jogging stroller "Ya wanna know what I wanna be when I grow up??  A runner!" and he took off, running.  Yesterday, he ran up and down the street, saying "Look at me Mommy, I am running fast." - made me so happy.   My running club has given me the confidence I need, the companionship I desperately needed, and the support.  There's very little catty, typical woman shit talking (actually, I haven't noticed any) - we are all here to support one another, and RUN...and I think it's because those who come, WANT to be there and are basking in the company that they have chosen.  We accept one another as we are: faults, sweaty crotches, no make-up, and screaming kids. Sounds like a nightmare, but it's perfect and it's what I needed.  Good, honest, supportive, and caring friends.  We make fun of each other, but in a playful, buddy-buddy way, no judgements - always making each other laugh when we need it most (right my bear-like fearless leader...clomp clomp clomp clomp).  =)

So in closing, six days til marathon day.  Crisp morning air means winter is on it's way, meaning my husband will be home before I know, especially with the holidays around the corner.  Life is good.  I have my groove and running mojo back.   I am ahead in school, keeping my 3.8 GPA on point (holler)...  I feel good, ready to go.

Run like a Mother....

Our club shirts.  They are sick.  Thank you fearless leader!

Before I ran, before any of this - Dave, the kids, probably in my college years, I was lost....lost is probably an understatement, I was a MESS.  After having kids, I just felt like I was here, moseying along, following my husband around like a lost puppy and tending to the chilluns.  Now, after four years of marriage, into our second deployment, I feel more keyed into who I am and what I am supposed to do in life.  Be a mom.  Run.  Drink coffee....hehe, kidding.  I was chatting with a girlfriend today and we were talking about life and whatnot - I hit a rough patch over the last few days, not necessarily with the deployment itself, but with my son not sleeping well, coupled with a cold, and my lack of motivation to run.  Laney, also, took it upon herself to dip my phone, ever so delicately, into the dog's water bowl, sort of like an Oreo cookie, into milk.  WTF??!!??  After letting it air out, it's functioning.  I say functioning because every two seconds, the camera comes on and sometimes my scroll thingy doesn't work.  But, I can answer calls and send emails, so I'm good for now.  Maybe when Christmas rolls around, I'll use my upgrade and get an Iphone (Linda, are you reading this??!!?? LOL)



So, a few bad days....in a row....mental exhaustion, lack of motivation...I think what it all boils down to is, I'm tired.  Side note:  My good friend and neighbor called me today and was listening to a radio psychic who said there are a lot of spirits on base here, and that they suck the life out of the people, so she was concerned that was the reason I was so tired all the time and drank so much coffee....she made me chuckle tonight!  haha!  So, I'm done bitching about it.  It is what it is.  Rather than complaining about it, I bought bunk beds.  What the hell, right?  It's been in the back of my head for a while - maybe Leo's sleep issues are a combination of mostly missing dad and being in a huge full size bed by himself. 

He loves them, the bunk beds.  And that makes me very happy because I distinctly remember when I had bunkbeds....and when my brother rolled off the top bunk of said bunk beds on more than one occasion....Leo went to bed tonight, HAPPY, and has been asleep for well over two hours now; I know, doesn't sound like much, but normally he'd be up, eating chips and playing games/reading books/buying random shit on I-Tunes while I work.  To hit it home, I let him pick out his own bedding for the bed - Toy Story 3.  He's a cool kid, Leo.  His dad would be proud to know that he picked out the comforter with Rex the Dinosaur on it. 

Although mind has been resistent to run lately, my body has been okay with it.  Monday I ran a short 5.5.  I started slow but picked up the pace with each mile.  I'm going to be honest here:  I think when you think you may have to poop, you run faster. 

Same thing today, 38 minute run and went 4.67 miles, pushing the kids in the double stroller with a great workout partner.  What ever is going on in my head, it goes away once the run is done, and my motivation and confidence comes back.  I think that also, being with friends just helps, in general.  Our kids are distracted by one another, giving my active brain a chance to relax.  A good friend came by with her two wild ones and helped me put together Leo's bunk beds. Pizza, beer, girl time while doing man stuff, it was great.  Took like 5 hours, but it was great nonetheless AND my house was probably cleaner after they left than it was before they arrived...BONUS!

Brings me to the next thing:  I would not be where I am without the support system that I have and without family to continually support me and the kids.  Not only is it the help that I need when I need it, but it's the outreach.  Just friends who know when I am having a hard time, in general, that ask how it's going and friends who pop over to bring me a cup of coffee - THANK YOU - and family.  We would not be here without family - everyone has been so amazing to open up their homes, come visit, and just lighten the load, making this separation easier and less stressful.  The visits here and our visits to them have already helped these three months fly by, and with the holidays right around the corner, not to mention the big 26.2 in about a week and a half, I know that before I know it, I will be counting down the hours until Dave is back.  I can't stress enough how thankful I am of everyone who is in our life right now - the running club, I know, has given me more drive than I could imagine and has given me something to look forward to...our regularly scheduled runs, impromptu runs, fellowship, playdates, just good people.  My stepmom told me today that she is glad I have friends that take care of us and help us out when we need it.  She's right, I'm glad too.  It makes me feel more together and connected and busy while Dave is gone; I feel more focused now, more in tune with myself, more "ok" with this life....I was always "OK" with it, but something always screamed "NOOOOOOO THIS SUCKS", now, I guess I'm impartial and used to it - it is what it is.  The only thing I can really do from the "homefront" is just stay busy and keep the faith - faith in my husband and faith in the Marines - so I do.

Ending, I hope that my kids will learn and understand one day what we have done for them and gone through.  I know my son and daughter will learn countless things from their Daddy and about his experiences in the military - but hopefully not til later in life.  I hope my kids will learn from me, just to not give up.  Here I am, 25 years old, after 7 years of college, collectively, I am FINALLY almost done, and have done it through two deployments, a pregnancy, and having them AND training for a marathon.  Don't ever give up on your dreams, goals, and yourself.  It doesn't matter who you are or what you choose to do, to be, just be and just do it.  If you want it that badly, you can make it happen.

Soreness and Lack of Motivation

Alright - well, that first post was clearly, CLEARLY, my first ever - I found tons of typos....geeeez!  I'll get better at this whole thing, I promise....no pencils to your eye-balls just yet.  Anyways - so recently, the kids and I went to Sams Club; I generally avoid Sams Club, because honestly, I don't need 4 jumbo ketchups, 80 hotdog buns, and 10 pounds of pretzels....just saying.  BUT, I needed coffee - I know right, you probably saw that coming.  Here's what I discovered:

This would be your standard pump thingy of creamer that you generally find in and around your office...maybe your doctor's office...teacher's lounge, etc.   And 80 k-cups for my Keurig.  A little insane.  Even moreso that you don't have to refridgerate the creamer, which to be honest, wigs me out.

I skipped a run with my running club this week because of other obligations, and to be honest, I needed a day off of anything physical activity related.  I tend to over-do it generally anyway, so this was good.  But, luckily, they were running around my neighborhood, so I snapped these intimidating pics:

I was so proud to see them.  All of them.  It was intimidating to watch them all blaze past me.  I remember why I never joined.  But when they all smiled and waved as they ran by, I was thankful that I did join.  Stalker Warriors 2.0 - comin' at ya!

So this weekend, I did 16 miles....beginning my taper heading into the last two weeks before the marathon.  I never sleep right when I know I have a long run to do - and I've only done two prior to this....a sorry 17 mile run and then my last 20 mile run last weekend.  It's the whole wrapping your head around really running that far - like, for instance, it takes me like 30 minutes to get to Leo's preschool, and it's like 10 miles away.  I feel like it is FOREVER away.  Why would I run there?  That's my rationale, or unrationale..... 

I ended up ignoring my splits and just running, listening for when each mile clicked over - and found I was pretty stable between an 8:05 and 8:15, but I was pushing myself.   A recent blog I read that was posted in Runner's World noted that she had done the same thing so I gave it a whirl.  My legs, however, were sore and felt heavy from the start.  I didn't want to wake up early and run and I think my body could tell.  Heavy legs and I was tired.  And running with my phone in hand just in case the baby sitter needed something.  Had I not been running with a friend, I would have been much slower I think. Anyways, I did it, the miles are on my legs, moving on.

This is Leo giving me the finger.  Not the actual middle finger, but his pointer finger, saying something attitudey.  We were at odds the other day.  I think that sometimes, your kids just get sick of you, especially when it's just you.  So, this day, I think he was just annoyed with me and wanted to be contrary which was fine, as long as he did it in his room - that's the rule:  if you're going to be a meanie, you can go to your room til you're ready to be nice.  This saves me from being "Monster Mommy".   He was overly tired from not sleeping well...and truth be told, he hasn't slept well since Dave left.  I catch him multiple times, though, up before I am, in the kitchen eating cheese and trying to make himself chocolate milk - surprisingly though, he rarely ever spills a drop, of either milk or chocolate sauce.  I always wonder why he wants cheese first thing in the morning though....if I were him, I'd go for the chips or something.

I realized this weekend, how much I hate going out with both kids, when there are a) lots of people, b) lots of areas for them NOT to go in, and c) people that are there that don't watch their kids.  Ok, I don't hate it, but it's a debacle and is always SO hard....one kid is usually content and the other is miserable.  Two parents would be SUPER handy for these outings.  This fall festival at Leo's pre-school was crawling with all of the above.  Don't get me wrong, it was a great trip for Leo...but Laney, not so much.  All she wanted to do was get in the jumpies, overrun by kids far too wild and big for her.....and then she just wanted to walk, EVERYWHERE....and Leo kept going in and out of jumpies, I could barely keep my eye on him.  Finally, we waited...and waited...and waited for 45 minutes so he could ride the horse....45 minutes of some little girls feeding Laney popcorn (to which I put an immediate stop too, they were feeding her like a bird) and pushing Leo and standing right up against him, whining, pushing each other....I had to keep telling them "okayyyy, let's keep our hands to ourselves" and moving Leo away from them....And I'm thinking, okay lady, I already have two kids, I don't need your two on top of it....

In the end, he enjoyed the 30 second pony ride so it was all good. 

And here's Laney, who frequently toddles over to our neighbor's house and just sits on her front porch steps.  She meanders down the driveway, I follow her - and this is where she ends up.  Just sitting there.  Laney is perfectly content exploring and going where she pleases, which probably explains why she hates being contained in areas where there are lots of people and lots of things that aren't friendly for her age.  She's so stinkin' cute and happy all the time, I swear Dave and I got so lucky with two perfect kids.

Routine in our house:  fireman costume.  Used to be only in the afternoon or after lunch - now has evolved into putting it on first thing in the morning.  And wearing all day.  At this point, I'm going to pick my battles.  Fireman suit: okay to wear around the house.  And the past day or so, instead of snowpants, he asks "Mom, is the snow coming soon?" - So, he helped me draws the days of the month on separate sheets of paper, until his Daddy is back and he'll x out each day in the morning.  Hopefully this can put winter, snow, Dave coming home into some perspective for him.  That must suck, knowing when Daddy's coming home, but not knowing, you know?  I'm just glad Laney's oblivious and happily babbless Dadadaddadada without a care in the world. 

So 6 cups of coffee later and here I am (I swear I can't help it).  Blurred vision because I am so freaking tired, but I can't sleep.  Insomnia or caffeine or school work - maybe all, but maybe a way to look at it is: the quicker the nights pass, the quicker we're on to the next day.   My calves are sore, but I guess that's to be expected after running 16 miles yesterday.  Aside from the 16 mile run, I only ran twice last week:  7 miles on Monday and 4ish on Tuesday; Thursday I did an interval run (6 x 800m) on the dreadmill, but I don't really count that as a run, because it didn't feel like a good run.  So, maybe I just need to run this week.  Maybe only hit the gym to spin or something?  I've been lacking moto to just run.  Maybe I am just tired.  From not sleeping well at night.  Who knows, whatever it is, though, I need to get over it.  Honestly, I think I just want to get it over with.  So, hurry up Oct 30, k thanks!  I know this week and the next week, I am really going to have to start building my mental toughness up for this marathon.  I know that I can do it, I know I'll finish, but I need to keep reminding myself "one mile at a time" and that I've got the miles on my feet, I'll be fine.  One mile at a time.

Ran on the Bandwagon!

Everyone is doing it.  Blogging.  Thoughts about life, random things.  Whatever.  If all your friends tell you to jump off of a bridge (or run a marathon), then jump (or run).  So, here I am.  Married to the love of my life and have two beautiful kids.  Did I mention my husband of 4 years is a Marine and has been home for maybe, mayyyyyybe half of our marriage?!  Yikes, right?  So, luckily he was here when both our kids were born and has been home for many good milestones.  This picture above is from July 2011, right before he deployed on a second tour to Afghanistan - nay nay stan - as I like to call it; sounds less harsh that way.  This was July 19th, 2011 - the day he left for Afghanistan this second time.

So, what are my three year old boy and my one year old baby girl up to.  Trying to stay as busy as possible.  Playdates, preschool, gymnastics, running, and coffee by the gallon consume our day.  A good friend and I have noted our days are like the movie "Groundhog's Day" - same shit (not that it's bad), different day.  Some days, I feel like a zombie.  Insert school for myself and running on top of that - so I guess saying that we try to stay busy is an understatement.  We stay busy.  My three year old, however recently, after nearly three months of Dave being gone, is not so convinced about Daddy and his job.  We've got the routine down packed - he knows the deal, Daddy's gone, he'll be back when it's frigid and snowy....what the hell does that mean to a three year old?  Nothing.  He asks every day to wear snowpants so Dad comes home.  Honestly, this kid has me beat.  What do you say to that?  So, most days he puts on snow pants around the house in the morning.  Whatever floats your boat.  Laney, my daughter, on the other hand has no idea what's going on - she points at pictures of Dave and continually babbless "dadadadaddadada" and sleeps and cuddles with her Daddy Doll.  Yes, my kids have dolls with Dave's entire full length picture on it; seems to help with the disconnect.  Do they make them for adults?  Honestly.

So, to keep myself sane, I drink far too much coffee (ask anyone that knows me) and run like the dickens.  I think that drives me is this life - coffee and running...moreso on the coffee.  There are some days I seriously think I may be an addict....ok, I know I am an addict, but seriously.  I love coffee...can you tell I've had far too much tonight???!?!?!!!  Kidding.  =)  Constant deployments, work ups, comings and goings - maybe running is the only constant thing I've got going for me.  Yes, I am in school, but that is ending in March (thank GOD).  Maybe in a life that is so uncontrollable, I can control how I run...how far, how fast, how slow, even down to controlling my Ipod while I run, where I run.  I. Am. In. Control.  Plain and simple.  And maybe this is why I LOVE running now.  Okay, I don't actually love running all the time, but it's good for me, so maybe that's why I do it.  I seem to be okay at it, so that's always an added plus.  I hated running before.  I did it in little bits, but I hated it.  Used having kids as an excuse to be a gym rat, foregoing running while pushing my kids.  Enter: Stroller Warriors - my saving grace.  A running club compiled of women JUST LIKE ME.  Crazy right?!  "Single moms" with their kids, looking for friendship and encouragement, and an ass kicking run - all while pushing kids, toddlers, and babies in strollers.  It's insane.  Twenty plus women barrelling down the road and sidewalk, kids throwing sippy cups and toys (well, mine mostly), and everyone happy, healthy, chatting away.  It is good times.  Prior to this group, I always felt like I never really "fit" - people never got me.  You either hate me or love me.  And these girls have embraced me and my kids like we are their own.  I have never in my life experienced more compassion, understanding, and encouragement than I do when I am around these remarkable women.  (Not even half of us in this shot)

So, I began with the run club around May 2011 - after being talked into going for over a year, I finally went.  Fast forward to September 4, 2011. 

Virginia Beach, VA - Rock and Roll Half Marathon.  Never would have done this without the support and training of my running club.  Finished in 1:46:and some change.  Top 10% out of like 15,000 runners.  Sucess on my first half marathon.  Team Emison representing my hubby and all of those guys over there.  Those are my buddies Jim, Lynn (they're married) and Amanda (she's getting  married).  And ps:  our friend Jim, totally been on Saturday Night Live twice in a row...no big deal.  Ok, now, fast forward to Sept 24, 2011:

Fourth overall female and  my team came in Third - our running club kicked total ass that race, sweeping women's team medals, shaved about 6 or so minutes off of my previous half.  Okay, now the kicker:  October 30th, Marine Corps Marathon.  A full 26.2 miles of torture.  Apparantly my club has faith in me to do this and do it well, I was practically BULLIED into signing up.  And I mean bully in a positive way.  I know I can do it - but I want to be good.  To be fast.  So, I've been training.....and I mean that loosely.  I run a few times a week, nothing over 7 during the week and long runs during the weekend.  Check out my last long run...20 miles:

So, I think I run for a multitude of reasons at this point, but now, I just want to be better, and to not let my girls down.  I finally have something for ME.  I think many people in my situation often feel stuck in their husband's shadows (which is understandable, these men and women are putting their lives on the line for this country), life revolving around them solely, that there is very little that's just for them.  I have always supported Dave with whatever he has wanted to do, and I always will.  We stand together, but I finally feel like this is my thing, my time.  No I'm not working, no I am not doing anything remarkable, but I feel successful and fulfilled internally, ya know?.  And I know Dave feels the same thing for himself (except we both would rather have him home).   

So, anyways, when my days aren't consumed with fighting crappy drivers in and around Jacksonville, I love to be lazy and play with  my babies.  They are so much fun.  They love life.  Reading.  Playing.  And I love them.  They are my world.  I put every ounce of energy into them when Dave is gone - I think most of us with kids and husband's who are gone do.  Yeah, we're tired.  Beyond tired.  But we have to.  When 6:00pm hits on the clock, I swear I am in a daze - vision blurred from  how tired I am.  I probably drink a gallon of coffee a day so when I crash, it is legit - I am done.  Being overly exhausted helps me sleep at night when otherwise I would be up - just thinking.  Thinking about what has to be done tomorrow, up checking my school website, laundry, and Dave.  As with most of us that are in this life, they're always on our minds....be it in the front or backs of our minds, they're there.  I think I tend to supress it, at least this time around.  I'm busy, my kids are busy, life goes on.  All I can do is pack each package for him with all the love that I can - sounds corny, but it's true.  I spray every letter and green military issued t-shirt with perfume (to which Dave recently said, it smelled so good, when he walked by wearing one of those perfume drenched shirts, Marines were getting boners left and right.....haha...okay, I know he was being sarcastic, but still that's hilarious....it's the little things like that these guys miss....), make sure he's got enough food, baby wipes, deoderant, and pictures from the kids.  This is crazy.  I always think how crazy this life is.  We live for the future.  Future events...the "we have to do this now because you won't be here next year...".  One thing is for sure, I cannot wait until all of this slows down. 

I can't wait for this!