Turning the Page

Communication is a glorious thing.  The inventors of SKYPE deserve some sort of medal.  Here's Laney-bug skyping with her Daddy:

When Dave left, Laney was 11 months old, crawling, not talking.  But still, now at almost 17 months, she knows her Daddy.  Leo, perhaps, is basically the same - taller and uses bigger words, thinks he knows everything.  Either way, seeing him is good practice for the real deal.  It is very funny to watch Dave watch Leo, Laney and I on skype.  Laney is at the age where she's into everything, moreso than Leo ever was.  I think the second children always catch on faster because they have an older sibling to copy - and Laney, she's such a goof, she's a wild thing.  Leo is a little more reserved, content playing the ipod and making puzzles and playing with his firetrucks....all 8 million of them.  Today, Dave says to me "Wow, it's a circus over there...." and I thought, "Really, it's just typical Laney and Leo play time".  I cannot wait to see how he is wih the kids, what he thinks when he watches the two of them.

Here we are at the end of our deployment....I can see the light.  He will be home soon.  As hard as this deployment has been, it has also been a huge eye-opener for me and enabled me to do some soul searching on myself.

When Dave left back in July, I thought to myself "How the HELL am I going to do this alone?" - two very active, very smart kids who both require and deserve a great deal of attention without Dave home to help and while trying to finish school.  How am I going to keep my sanity?  Will my kids survive without getting the same attention from me and my  husband like they did before?

Well.....we survived.  During this deployment, I ran two half marathons and a full marathon, with a few 8ks and 5ks sprinkled in there.  I battened down the hatches when the hurricane blew through in August, downing trees in our neck of the woods, along with knocking out power for two days; I spackled and painted around our house; and most importantly, I am now TWO classes away from graduating with my Bachelor's in criminal justice.....only 8 years since I initially began college at a traditional four year institution - I never thought I would go back to school and graduate, but I am so proud of myself for getting back on the horse.  It definitely hasn't been easy.....Leo began preschool, Laney is walking (running) and talking.  Most of all, Dave and I grew leaps and bounds in our marriage over the past several months.  We're the type with very open lines of communication - we tell each other how it is and work from there.  We're head thinkers, rather than emotional thinkers - for the most part.  I think we grew to understand one another more, accept things for how they are, and we have been able to realize without much shame, when one of us goofs up and are then, better able to say sorry.  And now, we are closer than ever.

BUT, I didn't do all of this alone...I couldn't have done all of this alone.  Our family has sacrificed so much to help us - time off work to come down here and just BE here for a weekend; watched the kids for me while I ran races or did training runs; got us through the holidays and ALL of our stuff back afterward; just given my kids that extra bit of attention that I know they miss from only having one parent at home; care packages to Dave.....My running club has supported me through all of my training and races and all of the ups and downs a deployment can bring to one tired Momma; my neighbors - my one neighbor's husband was home for R & R for two weeks when the hurricane came through, and he spent the day after cleaning up my yard, hooking my fridge up to a generator, and fed me and the kids.  His wife has watched the dog, the house, and my mail for me on countless occasions and their children have been good friends to Leo.  Across the street, my other neighbors have been just as wonderful, swapping the kids so she and I both have gym time, alone time, sanity time.  I am sure there are countless other things I could say to explain how everyone in my life has helped me achieve so much this deployment. 

I figured out WHO I am and what I want out of life.  Before this, I lived with my world revolving around Dave and our kids - I struggled with finding my place in his world and truth be told, I was unhappy.  I have never been more comfortable with the person that I am today.   I love school and love to learn.  I hated running before, but now it's such a great stress outlet for me, I cannot imagine NOT running.  I feel like I have found myself and share a life WITH Dave, as opposed to living in his world.  For anyone really, especially military spouses, it is SO important to find your own way, your own life outside of your husband's - because when and if they do leave and you're left behind, it can be very lonely and very depressing.  It's lonely and depressing as it is, which is why women in my situation need to get out there and have a life too, otherwise, the harshness of this life will eat you alive - it can be very maddening being alone for extended periods of time, especially with children.  And even from afar, my husband has done nothing but encourage and support me through everything - my insane school schedule, making new friends, running, impromptu Groupon-buying Laser hair removal (it was a really good deal, :) ), everything I have done, he has been completely supportive.  Now looking back, I think "How the HELL did I do all that?" - and truth be told, it all seems like a blur.  But, the medals hang on my treadmill, my kids are happy, we are all OK.  My husband says that I am his hero, but he is mine.  He's enabled me to do all of this, with the support of our family and friends. 

Soon we will welcome Dave back home and get on with our lives.  What's next for us - we move to COLORADO in the summer.  It's a scary and exciting though - exciting because I have heard nothing but great things about the area, scary to be so far away from our family, who has been my backbone throughout this deployment.  While where we will go is certain, it makes me nervous to think about a cross country drive, finding a home, etc.  But, for the first time, my husband will be here with me to help me make these decisions.  So, now, the kids and I wait for him to be home and our entire family is so thankful to be immersed in such a great support system that has made this deployment so much easier on all of us.  What am I looking forward to most when Dave does finally get back????  The honeymoon phase that I hope lasts well into 2012!  Cheers!

DOWNHILLLLLLLLLLLL

The marathon is over.  Finally.  I was excited about it, then dreading it, got excited about it, hated it while running it, and then it was over. Now, on day four post marathon, everything that was sore (legs, feet, hips, etc) finally begins to feel better....it was appropriate that Halloween was the day after, because I was walking like Frankenstein.

                                                          my kids on Halloween

 Feeling mobile today, but still bathing in Bengay and popping advil like it's candy.  Even my boobs hurt....what little boobs I have, they hurt.  My sports bra that I always race in left cuts on my chest from the constant movement and rubbing.....didn't see that coming.

Here's what my trusty Garmin said I finished in:

The 26.2

     The marathon challenged me with many unforeseens - like the slight snowy dusting we got the day before, the 34 degree weather the morning of, not feeling my feet or legs when the marathon started, how my body would go from hypothermia to tropical in 2 miles, and the Gatorade.  I knew going into the marathon, that traveling with my kids would stress me out, sleeping not in  my own bed wouldn't offer me optimal comfort - add two sick kids and flu-like symptoms for me a couple days before the race, I was in full on panic mode.  I went out Friday and Saturday with the intention of running 2 miles and I could barely run .7 - major cramps, headaches.....did not see all that coming.  My friends calmed me down and equated it to nerves.  They were all right. 
     I was warned about the hills, but had done a decent amount of training on hills while pushing my kids in the double stroller, so those weren't much of a challenge.  The icy bridge on one of those hills was a problem.  I was prepared for the wall at mile 20, not mile 15.  Either way, thinking back through how I ran those 26.2 miles, I think "Damnit, I could have run that so much smarter....I knew better....I was warned.....".  First off, I didn't look at my watch much the first 14 miles.....bad idea.  I was feeling good, just running along, you know, elbow to elbow with 30,000 other psychos.  No big deal.  When I did look at my watch, some of my splits said 7:27 or my favorite, 6:55......whoops.  I started off way to fast and chugged Gatorade at every water stop....I never drink Gatorade on my long runs, why did I do it now....so, mile 14, I ate a GU, normal, then mile 15, cramps.  From there, the rest of the marathon SUCKED.  Once you stop running at a good pace for whatever reason, it is HELL to get back going. I walked.....got teary eyed....and jogged.....all in that cycle....over and over, for 10 miles.  And I am looking at people holding up signs thinking "Stop cheering, shut the fuck up, YOU get out here and do it"  - all the people lining the route made me embarrassed that I was walking and everyone else was running along, no big deal....and then I'm thinking, "Oh crap, they're all tracking me back home, I can't stop" so I'd give myself a swift kick in the ass and start jogging again......then cry....then walk.....

The clocktime said I finished at 4:01:??, but my Garmin said that I ran 26.47 in 3:59 - I know I finished ahead of the 4 hour pacer, so I am going to stick with a sub 4 first marathon.  Even with the 4:01, my finish was in the top 22% of all the runners and top 14% of female runners.  Still not too shabby.  I definitely underestimated the marathon.  My easy going, I'll just run and feel it out and see what happens attitude didn't work with me this go around......note to self....when running a marathon, you have to be smart about it.  Something that I wasn't - so, live and learn.  Next time...if there is a next time.  After the kids and I got home the other day, I saw a Marine running with a full pack on and I almost puked.  That was, hands down, the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.  It is such an accomplishment and I am happy and proud that I finished and did it under four hours, but I feel like I could have done it better.  Next time, I will be smarter.  And pay attention.  So, here's the amazing medal I got for finishing the marathon: 

My husband I don't think has ever been more proud of me than he is now.  I feel like a different person (for the better) than when he left.....in such a short amount of time, I've done so much for ME.  It's nice to do for you, ya know and feel like you are accomplishing things to better yourself.  He actually wants to RUN with me when he comes home.....a marathon.  Dave hates running....then again, ask anyone who knows me, and I hated running.  People do funny things to get by during times of stress....some buckle under the pressure and others persevere....and then there are those of us that run.  I am so glad I chose to rise and run.  I feel like a better person, and stronger individual, I feel like I can handle a lot more.  By tweaking little things in my life, I have found ways to tweak and better handle the bigger things.  It's good stuff....good positivity.  So, now it's all downhill from here.  I will run a few more races to close out the year and then we'll be getting ready for my hubby to come home.  Four more classes to go until I am done with school, then hopefully everything will settle.  It seems as though my kids and I operate on two switches ON or OFF.  It'll be nice to pump the brakes. 

These two kids cannot wait to get their hands on their daddy:

Run like a Mother....

Our club shirts.  They are sick.  Thank you fearless leader!

Before I ran, before any of this - Dave, the kids, probably in my college years, I was lost....lost is probably an understatement, I was a MESS.  After having kids, I just felt like I was here, moseying along, following my husband around like a lost puppy and tending to the chilluns.  Now, after four years of marriage, into our second deployment, I feel more keyed into who I am and what I am supposed to do in life.  Be a mom.  Run.  Drink coffee....hehe, kidding.  I was chatting with a girlfriend today and we were talking about life and whatnot - I hit a rough patch over the last few days, not necessarily with the deployment itself, but with my son not sleeping well, coupled with a cold, and my lack of motivation to run.  Laney, also, took it upon herself to dip my phone, ever so delicately, into the dog's water bowl, sort of like an Oreo cookie, into milk.  WTF??!!??  After letting it air out, it's functioning.  I say functioning because every two seconds, the camera comes on and sometimes my scroll thingy doesn't work.  But, I can answer calls and send emails, so I'm good for now.  Maybe when Christmas rolls around, I'll use my upgrade and get an Iphone (Linda, are you reading this??!!?? LOL)



So, a few bad days....in a row....mental exhaustion, lack of motivation...I think what it all boils down to is, I'm tired.  Side note:  My good friend and neighbor called me today and was listening to a radio psychic who said there are a lot of spirits on base here, and that they suck the life out of the people, so she was concerned that was the reason I was so tired all the time and drank so much coffee....she made me chuckle tonight!  haha!  So, I'm done bitching about it.  It is what it is.  Rather than complaining about it, I bought bunk beds.  What the hell, right?  It's been in the back of my head for a while - maybe Leo's sleep issues are a combination of mostly missing dad and being in a huge full size bed by himself. 

He loves them, the bunk beds.  And that makes me very happy because I distinctly remember when I had bunkbeds....and when my brother rolled off the top bunk of said bunk beds on more than one occasion....Leo went to bed tonight, HAPPY, and has been asleep for well over two hours now; I know, doesn't sound like much, but normally he'd be up, eating chips and playing games/reading books/buying random shit on I-Tunes while I work.  To hit it home, I let him pick out his own bedding for the bed - Toy Story 3.  He's a cool kid, Leo.  His dad would be proud to know that he picked out the comforter with Rex the Dinosaur on it. 

Although mind has been resistent to run lately, my body has been okay with it.  Monday I ran a short 5.5.  I started slow but picked up the pace with each mile.  I'm going to be honest here:  I think when you think you may have to poop, you run faster. 

Same thing today, 38 minute run and went 4.67 miles, pushing the kids in the double stroller with a great workout partner.  What ever is going on in my head, it goes away once the run is done, and my motivation and confidence comes back.  I think that also, being with friends just helps, in general.  Our kids are distracted by one another, giving my active brain a chance to relax.  A good friend came by with her two wild ones and helped me put together Leo's bunk beds. Pizza, beer, girl time while doing man stuff, it was great.  Took like 5 hours, but it was great nonetheless AND my house was probably cleaner after they left than it was before they arrived...BONUS!

Brings me to the next thing:  I would not be where I am without the support system that I have and without family to continually support me and the kids.  Not only is it the help that I need when I need it, but it's the outreach.  Just friends who know when I am having a hard time, in general, that ask how it's going and friends who pop over to bring me a cup of coffee - THANK YOU - and family.  We would not be here without family - everyone has been so amazing to open up their homes, come visit, and just lighten the load, making this separation easier and less stressful.  The visits here and our visits to them have already helped these three months fly by, and with the holidays right around the corner, not to mention the big 26.2 in about a week and a half, I know that before I know it, I will be counting down the hours until Dave is back.  I can't stress enough how thankful I am of everyone who is in our life right now - the running club, I know, has given me more drive than I could imagine and has given me something to look forward to...our regularly scheduled runs, impromptu runs, fellowship, playdates, just good people.  My stepmom told me today that she is glad I have friends that take care of us and help us out when we need it.  She's right, I'm glad too.  It makes me feel more together and connected and busy while Dave is gone; I feel more focused now, more in tune with myself, more "ok" with this life....I was always "OK" with it, but something always screamed "NOOOOOOO THIS SUCKS", now, I guess I'm impartial and used to it - it is what it is.  The only thing I can really do from the "homefront" is just stay busy and keep the faith - faith in my husband and faith in the Marines - so I do.

Ending, I hope that my kids will learn and understand one day what we have done for them and gone through.  I know my son and daughter will learn countless things from their Daddy and about his experiences in the military - but hopefully not til later in life.  I hope my kids will learn from me, just to not give up.  Here I am, 25 years old, after 7 years of college, collectively, I am FINALLY almost done, and have done it through two deployments, a pregnancy, and having them AND training for a marathon.  Don't ever give up on your dreams, goals, and yourself.  It doesn't matter who you are or what you choose to do, to be, just be and just do it.  If you want it that badly, you can make it happen.

Ran on the Bandwagon!

Everyone is doing it.  Blogging.  Thoughts about life, random things.  Whatever.  If all your friends tell you to jump off of a bridge (or run a marathon), then jump (or run).  So, here I am.  Married to the love of my life and have two beautiful kids.  Did I mention my husband of 4 years is a Marine and has been home for maybe, mayyyyyybe half of our marriage?!  Yikes, right?  So, luckily he was here when both our kids were born and has been home for many good milestones.  This picture above is from July 2011, right before he deployed on a second tour to Afghanistan - nay nay stan - as I like to call it; sounds less harsh that way.  This was July 19th, 2011 - the day he left for Afghanistan this second time.

So, what are my three year old boy and my one year old baby girl up to.  Trying to stay as busy as possible.  Playdates, preschool, gymnastics, running, and coffee by the gallon consume our day.  A good friend and I have noted our days are like the movie "Groundhog's Day" - same shit (not that it's bad), different day.  Some days, I feel like a zombie.  Insert school for myself and running on top of that - so I guess saying that we try to stay busy is an understatement.  We stay busy.  My three year old, however recently, after nearly three months of Dave being gone, is not so convinced about Daddy and his job.  We've got the routine down packed - he knows the deal, Daddy's gone, he'll be back when it's frigid and snowy....what the hell does that mean to a three year old?  Nothing.  He asks every day to wear snowpants so Dad comes home.  Honestly, this kid has me beat.  What do you say to that?  So, most days he puts on snow pants around the house in the morning.  Whatever floats your boat.  Laney, my daughter, on the other hand has no idea what's going on - she points at pictures of Dave and continually babbless "dadadadaddadada" and sleeps and cuddles with her Daddy Doll.  Yes, my kids have dolls with Dave's entire full length picture on it; seems to help with the disconnect.  Do they make them for adults?  Honestly.

So, to keep myself sane, I drink far too much coffee (ask anyone that knows me) and run like the dickens.  I think that drives me is this life - coffee and running...moreso on the coffee.  There are some days I seriously think I may be an addict....ok, I know I am an addict, but seriously.  I love coffee...can you tell I've had far too much tonight???!?!?!!!  Kidding.  =)  Constant deployments, work ups, comings and goings - maybe running is the only constant thing I've got going for me.  Yes, I am in school, but that is ending in March (thank GOD).  Maybe in a life that is so uncontrollable, I can control how I run...how far, how fast, how slow, even down to controlling my Ipod while I run, where I run.  I. Am. In. Control.  Plain and simple.  And maybe this is why I LOVE running now.  Okay, I don't actually love running all the time, but it's good for me, so maybe that's why I do it.  I seem to be okay at it, so that's always an added plus.  I hated running before.  I did it in little bits, but I hated it.  Used having kids as an excuse to be a gym rat, foregoing running while pushing my kids.  Enter: Stroller Warriors - my saving grace.  A running club compiled of women JUST LIKE ME.  Crazy right?!  "Single moms" with their kids, looking for friendship and encouragement, and an ass kicking run - all while pushing kids, toddlers, and babies in strollers.  It's insane.  Twenty plus women barrelling down the road and sidewalk, kids throwing sippy cups and toys (well, mine mostly), and everyone happy, healthy, chatting away.  It is good times.  Prior to this group, I always felt like I never really "fit" - people never got me.  You either hate me or love me.  And these girls have embraced me and my kids like we are their own.  I have never in my life experienced more compassion, understanding, and encouragement than I do when I am around these remarkable women.  (Not even half of us in this shot)

So, I began with the run club around May 2011 - after being talked into going for over a year, I finally went.  Fast forward to September 4, 2011. 

Virginia Beach, VA - Rock and Roll Half Marathon.  Never would have done this without the support and training of my running club.  Finished in 1:46:and some change.  Top 10% out of like 15,000 runners.  Sucess on my first half marathon.  Team Emison representing my hubby and all of those guys over there.  Those are my buddies Jim, Lynn (they're married) and Amanda (she's getting  married).  And ps:  our friend Jim, totally been on Saturday Night Live twice in a row...no big deal.  Ok, now, fast forward to Sept 24, 2011:

Fourth overall female and  my team came in Third - our running club kicked total ass that race, sweeping women's team medals, shaved about 6 or so minutes off of my previous half.  Okay, now the kicker:  October 30th, Marine Corps Marathon.  A full 26.2 miles of torture.  Apparantly my club has faith in me to do this and do it well, I was practically BULLIED into signing up.  And I mean bully in a positive way.  I know I can do it - but I want to be good.  To be fast.  So, I've been training.....and I mean that loosely.  I run a few times a week, nothing over 7 during the week and long runs during the weekend.  Check out my last long run...20 miles:

So, I think I run for a multitude of reasons at this point, but now, I just want to be better, and to not let my girls down.  I finally have something for ME.  I think many people in my situation often feel stuck in their husband's shadows (which is understandable, these men and women are putting their lives on the line for this country), life revolving around them solely, that there is very little that's just for them.  I have always supported Dave with whatever he has wanted to do, and I always will.  We stand together, but I finally feel like this is my thing, my time.  No I'm not working, no I am not doing anything remarkable, but I feel successful and fulfilled internally, ya know?.  And I know Dave feels the same thing for himself (except we both would rather have him home).   

So, anyways, when my days aren't consumed with fighting crappy drivers in and around Jacksonville, I love to be lazy and play with  my babies.  They are so much fun.  They love life.  Reading.  Playing.  And I love them.  They are my world.  I put every ounce of energy into them when Dave is gone - I think most of us with kids and husband's who are gone do.  Yeah, we're tired.  Beyond tired.  But we have to.  When 6:00pm hits on the clock, I swear I am in a daze - vision blurred from  how tired I am.  I probably drink a gallon of coffee a day so when I crash, it is legit - I am done.  Being overly exhausted helps me sleep at night when otherwise I would be up - just thinking.  Thinking about what has to be done tomorrow, up checking my school website, laundry, and Dave.  As with most of us that are in this life, they're always on our minds....be it in the front or backs of our minds, they're there.  I think I tend to supress it, at least this time around.  I'm busy, my kids are busy, life goes on.  All I can do is pack each package for him with all the love that I can - sounds corny, but it's true.  I spray every letter and green military issued t-shirt with perfume (to which Dave recently said, it smelled so good, when he walked by wearing one of those perfume drenched shirts, Marines were getting boners left and right.....haha...okay, I know he was being sarcastic, but still that's hilarious....it's the little things like that these guys miss....), make sure he's got enough food, baby wipes, deoderant, and pictures from the kids.  This is crazy.  I always think how crazy this life is.  We live for the future.  Future events...the "we have to do this now because you won't be here next year...".  One thing is for sure, I cannot wait until all of this slows down. 

I can't wait for this!