Forward Motion

Home safe and sound.  It was 10pm, cold, rainy, my children had both not napped, I had re-done my hair and makeup and outfit a million times - we came to wait in the rain, armed with a photographer and anxiety.  The kids and I were ready.  Even though the weather was atrocious, it worked - we parked ourselves under a less than sturdy tent, my hands clutching my children, cell phone, and diaper bag - slowly but surely, the Marines trickled in, eyes scanning the masses for their families.  I saw him walking up, and it immediately felt like a weight had been lifted - I crouched next to Leo and said "Look Leo, there's your Daddy...."  - it was like something out of a movie, without fail, the two of them, Leo and Dave, ran up to one another and he just sobbed.  I think I was most excited about seeing Dave again for our little boy.  His Daddy is his world.  They are two peas in a pod. 

Nothing but happy tears for this kid.  Laney bug had no clue - she's so little.  She knew her Daddy, but took some time to warm up to him.  Understandable.

In the days after my husband came home, I ran into quite a few girlfriends.  They all asked "How's it feel now that your hubby is home?".  I think most women would say that they were overjoyed, they were so happy.  And I am.  I think of countless women who don't get the opportunity to welcome back their husband from war....I know some of these women.  All the kids that don't have their Daddy.  I think of the guys who are still over there, returning home soon.  Bitter sweet.  My response to my girlfriends was honest....."It's good.  A little weird, but good.".  My friends looked at me like I was CRAZY!  Who says that?!  It made me feel guilty to say that.  I am happy he is home, don't get me wrong, but it's weird sometimes. 

I have found that not many people reflect on the awkwardness and readjustment that happens when someone returns home from war.  Simple things, like driving or talking to a female, that they aren't used to.  As truly amazing as it is to have him home, it takes work to get back into a good groove.   It's sort of surreal that Dave is home, but it's almost like he never left.  It's weird.  But at the same time, we have to relearn each other - what sets us off, how to talk to one another.  Months of nearly non-existent communication makes these simple, everyday things to the average person, really hard for people like us.  This deployment, Dave and I each had our own personal journeys.  Me especially.  As independent and as well as I do operate when he is gone, I really grew into my own this go around.  And now, I have to tame that beast a bit.  But, at the same time, our relationship grew by leaps and bounds this deployment, so I find that things that would generally have pissed me off a year ago, don't really bother me a whole lot.  Out of all of this, we have learned to respect one another a lot more and appreciate each other a lot more.  I think out of all of this, we have really understood that while we are a tight family unit, that he and I are one, we also maintain that we have separate lives, which is okay.  I actually enjoy  having some alone time now, as opposed to a year ago, I felt like I needed to be around him 24/7.  And maybe part of that is knowing that he won't have to deploy again in 11 months, that we have so much time with one another in our future - now we can just live for NOW rather than living for the future, living for the "we need to do this now because you won't be here next year". 

A week has passed since he returned home; I'd be lying if I said the adjustment and reintegration into life at home was easy.  Nothing in this life is easy.  We had our moments, but were able to work through them, pinpoint the issue, and move forward.  We are happier than we have ever been.  We are more connected than we have ever been.  My kids are so happy that their Daddy is home. 



So ask me now:  "Are you happy that your hubby is home?  How does it feel to finally have him back?" - It feels amazing and wonderful.  I am so happy that he's home safe and sound, but I pray for all of those who haven't come back home yet and who won't come home.  It's weird to look at him next to me in bed, knowing that I dreamt about the day he would come home again to me for so long.  There are days that I feel like I know him better than he knows himself, and vice versa, and there are days when I feel like I don't understand him at all.  It's part of it.  I do know, however, that we are happier and more in love than we have ever been; that this time apart has given us a greater appreciation and a greater understanding of one another as individuals than we ever had before.  So now, we will just:  Keep.  Moving.  Forward. and see how our big, upcoming move to Colorado pans out!  We have so much to look forward to!

Turning the Page

Communication is a glorious thing.  The inventors of SKYPE deserve some sort of medal.  Here's Laney-bug skyping with her Daddy:

When Dave left, Laney was 11 months old, crawling, not talking.  But still, now at almost 17 months, she knows her Daddy.  Leo, perhaps, is basically the same - taller and uses bigger words, thinks he knows everything.  Either way, seeing him is good practice for the real deal.  It is very funny to watch Dave watch Leo, Laney and I on skype.  Laney is at the age where she's into everything, moreso than Leo ever was.  I think the second children always catch on faster because they have an older sibling to copy - and Laney, she's such a goof, she's a wild thing.  Leo is a little more reserved, content playing the ipod and making puzzles and playing with his firetrucks....all 8 million of them.  Today, Dave says to me "Wow, it's a circus over there...." and I thought, "Really, it's just typical Laney and Leo play time".  I cannot wait to see how he is wih the kids, what he thinks when he watches the two of them.

Here we are at the end of our deployment....I can see the light.  He will be home soon.  As hard as this deployment has been, it has also been a huge eye-opener for me and enabled me to do some soul searching on myself.

When Dave left back in July, I thought to myself "How the HELL am I going to do this alone?" - two very active, very smart kids who both require and deserve a great deal of attention without Dave home to help and while trying to finish school.  How am I going to keep my sanity?  Will my kids survive without getting the same attention from me and my  husband like they did before?

Well.....we survived.  During this deployment, I ran two half marathons and a full marathon, with a few 8ks and 5ks sprinkled in there.  I battened down the hatches when the hurricane blew through in August, downing trees in our neck of the woods, along with knocking out power for two days; I spackled and painted around our house; and most importantly, I am now TWO classes away from graduating with my Bachelor's in criminal justice.....only 8 years since I initially began college at a traditional four year institution - I never thought I would go back to school and graduate, but I am so proud of myself for getting back on the horse.  It definitely hasn't been easy.....Leo began preschool, Laney is walking (running) and talking.  Most of all, Dave and I grew leaps and bounds in our marriage over the past several months.  We're the type with very open lines of communication - we tell each other how it is and work from there.  We're head thinkers, rather than emotional thinkers - for the most part.  I think we grew to understand one another more, accept things for how they are, and we have been able to realize without much shame, when one of us goofs up and are then, better able to say sorry.  And now, we are closer than ever.

BUT, I didn't do all of this alone...I couldn't have done all of this alone.  Our family has sacrificed so much to help us - time off work to come down here and just BE here for a weekend; watched the kids for me while I ran races or did training runs; got us through the holidays and ALL of our stuff back afterward; just given my kids that extra bit of attention that I know they miss from only having one parent at home; care packages to Dave.....My running club has supported me through all of my training and races and all of the ups and downs a deployment can bring to one tired Momma; my neighbors - my one neighbor's husband was home for R & R for two weeks when the hurricane came through, and he spent the day after cleaning up my yard, hooking my fridge up to a generator, and fed me and the kids.  His wife has watched the dog, the house, and my mail for me on countless occasions and their children have been good friends to Leo.  Across the street, my other neighbors have been just as wonderful, swapping the kids so she and I both have gym time, alone time, sanity time.  I am sure there are countless other things I could say to explain how everyone in my life has helped me achieve so much this deployment. 

I figured out WHO I am and what I want out of life.  Before this, I lived with my world revolving around Dave and our kids - I struggled with finding my place in his world and truth be told, I was unhappy.  I have never been more comfortable with the person that I am today.   I love school and love to learn.  I hated running before, but now it's such a great stress outlet for me, I cannot imagine NOT running.  I feel like I have found myself and share a life WITH Dave, as opposed to living in his world.  For anyone really, especially military spouses, it is SO important to find your own way, your own life outside of your husband's - because when and if they do leave and you're left behind, it can be very lonely and very depressing.  It's lonely and depressing as it is, which is why women in my situation need to get out there and have a life too, otherwise, the harshness of this life will eat you alive - it can be very maddening being alone for extended periods of time, especially with children.  And even from afar, my husband has done nothing but encourage and support me through everything - my insane school schedule, making new friends, running, impromptu Groupon-buying Laser hair removal (it was a really good deal, :) ), everything I have done, he has been completely supportive.  Now looking back, I think "How the HELL did I do all that?" - and truth be told, it all seems like a blur.  But, the medals hang on my treadmill, my kids are happy, we are all OK.  My husband says that I am his hero, but he is mine.  He's enabled me to do all of this, with the support of our family and friends. 

Soon we will welcome Dave back home and get on with our lives.  What's next for us - we move to COLORADO in the summer.  It's a scary and exciting though - exciting because I have heard nothing but great things about the area, scary to be so far away from our family, who has been my backbone throughout this deployment.  While where we will go is certain, it makes me nervous to think about a cross country drive, finding a home, etc.  But, for the first time, my husband will be here with me to help me make these decisions.  So, now, the kids and I wait for him to be home and our entire family is so thankful to be immersed in such a great support system that has made this deployment so much easier on all of us.  What am I looking forward to most when Dave does finally get back????  The honeymoon phase that I hope lasts well into 2012!  Cheers!